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Sometimes its hard for me to accept success
Especially since my childhood best friend took his last breath
Sometimes when I drive or I sleep, I feel restless
Wondering how many of my breaths I have left yes

Sometimes I feel like no one can understand this pain
but I put a smile on, and show this world that I can

All those years we never celebrated together
Got me regretting, wondering if it would have been better

Maybe if were closer, like we were before
You would have asked me to go
Maybe I would have pulled you out
Stay silent, although I wanna shout

There is nothing I can change, but this mind goes deranged, because although life seems so perfect it just aint, in fact it’s really kinda strange, sometimes when driving . . . I find it hard to maintain, how do we breath? Im suffocating my own brain, I wonder if you heard me when I came, it’s been so long since I’ve seen my little homee, don’t wanna think back to that day but it looms over me, I can hear the thunder and the rain, I’m breathing . . . but it’s really faint. I would keep writing but I can’t.

What an interesting dream.

Azeem, Asif and Jo and I were all in a car. I was extremely happy because it seemed to be that Azeem hadn’t actually passed. I was there sitting right next to him talking to him. His head was bandaged and he said that he wasn’t sure how long he had . . . but he was there right next to me.¬† I was so happy to see him. I leaned over and gave him a strong hug, tears dripping from my eyes. I told him something, something I can not clearly remember now. I told him that I loved him, and that I respected him so much.

It felt so real, so very real. My body lunged forward . . . only to see 4 am posted on the clock radio. Reality slowly crept in and the sad realization that it was all just a dream was almost too much to bear. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t escape me eyes. I almost had to convince myself that a dream was all it was. I felt as if maybe it hadn’t happen. If I went back to Mississauga I would see him, with a bandaged head and his adorable smile. Falling back to sleep, I was able to dream some more. . .

I saw Azeem’s mom. Azeem was there next to me. I could see him and talk to him. But nobody else could. Was I losing my mind. He was trying to tell me his e-mail password? I don’t understand. I had to prove to everyone that I could see him and if I got his e-mail password that Azeem was telling me, they would finally believe me. I don’t understand what it all meant. He was so clear to me. Why could they not see?

That is all I remember, so I write these flashes down before they escape my mind, salty tears dripping from my face. Still a small smile, because I saw him, and spoke to him. . .

I miss you bro, I love you.

shit, i need some inspiration

divinely insight to help me with the preparation

cuz alone in this world we come

and alone from this world we go

so doesn’t matter if your death is quick or slow

learn to live with yourself. . . and grow

you heathen, its myself i must believe in

and hell, i’m on my own I can commit treason

but i got no reason, i was always smart but now god has blessed me with success

so i can huff and buff and blow your house down in just one breath

why have i been tripping

all along its just these words I was needin

cuz without them, its as if I were bleedin

never been alone before so it felt hard breathin

fuck air, its fire that i’m breathin

cuz i’m like a fire breathin dragon

and i know i’m worth havin

so once i get out we’ll see whose not grabbin

and if not hell i’ll be kidnappin

this is ottawa a whole new city

but unlike rihanna i dont got my whole team with me

forget it, none of y’all can even think this deep

and if I can take this cold dont worry, I can take this heat

so I’ll light a fire up under your seat if you proceed to mistreat

and i’ve been fasting, so the whole day I had nothign to eat

when I go home i’ll try and butcher some meat, but I prefer my greens

Cuz i’m ok but I could be a bit more lean

It’s obscene, how you think you can understand what I mean

the way your looking at me it and pretend you’ve seen what I’ve seen

And its true, you would have to walk a mile in my feet at least

I’m writing without a clue, empty stomach hoping for a feast

Yeah, its tough, i’ll admit some times

thats when I return to my rhymes

simple yet soothing, i play music in the mornign while shaving

i got no curtains yet so you might see me bathing

I still dont got a handle on this life

still getting pressured to find a wife

so close to give up i’m like, if everyone is wrong who must be right

i’ll be like ____ and get caught for prowl by night

So this is what it’s like, to be on your own
In a brand new city, all alone

different roads, different streets
lost my cuz and let go of my girl in the same week
I guess you want to know how I feel
I got this success but alone it doesn’t feel real
Does it make you happier when you hear how hard it is for me to deal?
Do you want me to look worse to decrease my appeal
If I told you I was miserable, would that be happy for you to hear

Would it be music to your ears?
I listen to myself vent, and its really not like me
It’s actually quite sad, pretty disgusting
This is all new, exactly what I feared
Still, I suppose I must persevere

its 4:18 am, I couldn’t sleep
thoughts of you start to creep
into my head
so I try to put some 2pac on instead
but i realize i didn’t transfer it to this Hard drive
cant’ beleive your gone still feels like a damn lie
and i’m afraid to lie down and my back hurts
so i google the good die young sung by your idol 2pac
see a photo of him with his glasses and i sit here trying to write a rap
Azeem, you don’t understand how much i still need you
i got so many tough decisions ahead of me, who do i talk to
who do I greive to, shit man we was both in the same insane situation too
this is so unfair, i made a prayer, but when i opened my eyes you still¬† weren’t there, so i continue to stare at the glare of this lcd screen
and oh the irony, Napolean had also sung this song you see
the good die young and napolean was going to come
infact he did come, the same day we bought you back in that casket
and its madness cuz i know you would’ve wanted to see a member of the outlaws trying to teach the kids to stay away from drugs and love Allah
he didn’t need to preach to you,
going straight to heaven cuz with your love we grew
and who knew a tragedy so bad but never thought it would happen to you
sometimes we feel like we need someone to accuse,
but its just an excuse
and we’re all hurting we persistantly refuse
and get mad instead of seeking refuge
and the weight on my shoulders seems so huge
but this i promise you i will try my best to, take care of everyone who loves you
R.I.P. Azeem

I sent this as three long ass txt messages to my cuzin after a recent breakup he went through.

This is madness.
Sadness overcomes me.
I’m fighting the world in the front seat but your girl was too weak to make it through to next week.
I know havoc she will wreak.
Let her speak.
You were the true one all along and now she will weep.
When she comes back, loneliness will overcome,
but life’s not a joke kid, relationship is more than just fun.
So when you see her just run
If you need help ask me, although I got no gun.

Just letting you know I feel your pain
but now you have less to lose and a lesson to gain
You kept your cool and you maintained and refrained

from lowering down to her level.
She’s the past kid, bury it!
I’ll grab the shovel
Yes, most girls are just trouble.

I cant believe she tried the jealousy card
Tried to wound you emotionally and that must be hard
But your too smart for that spoiled retart,
who was on your case and in your face from the very start.

One last thing before I go, you tell that Jess
She was blessed and lucky to even meet you.
Yes yes I bet the only emotion she will ever feel will be regret.

Globalize this!
When she sees it, say surprise Bitch
I think of you when I have to itch,
my balls.. can you believe how many times I called.

Riz.. Out.