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Sometimes its hard for me to accept success
Especially since my childhood best friend took his last breath
Sometimes when I drive or I sleep, I feel restless
Wondering how many of my breaths I have left yes

Sometimes I feel like no one can understand this pain
but I put a smile on, and show this world that I can

All those years we never celebrated together
Got me regretting, wondering if it would have been better

Maybe if were closer, like we were before
You would have asked me to go
Maybe I would have pulled you out
Stay silent, although I wanna shout

There is nothing I can change, but this mind goes deranged, because although life seems so perfect it just aint, in fact it’s really kinda strange, sometimes when driving . . . I find it hard to maintain, how do we breath? Im suffocating my own brain, I wonder if you heard me when I came, it’s been so long since I’ve seen my little homee, don’t wanna think back to that day but it looms over me, I can hear the thunder and the rain, I’m breathing . . . but it’s really faint. I would keep writing but I can’t.

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What an interesting dream.

Azeem, Asif and Jo and I were all in a car. I was extremely happy because it seemed to be that Azeem hadn’t actually passed. I was there sitting right next to him talking to him. His head was bandaged and he said that he wasn’t sure how long he had . . . but he was there right next to me.  I was so happy to see him. I leaned over and gave him a strong hug, tears dripping from my eyes. I told him something, something I can not clearly remember now. I told him that I loved him, and that I respected him so much.

It felt so real, so very real. My body lunged forward . . . only to see 4 am posted on the clock radio. Reality slowly crept in and the sad realization that it was all just a dream was almost too much to bear. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t escape me eyes. I almost had to convince myself that a dream was all it was. I felt as if maybe it hadn’t happen. If I went back to Mississauga I would see him, with a bandaged head and his adorable smile. Falling back to sleep, I was able to dream some more. . .

I saw Azeem’s mom. Azeem was there next to me. I could see him and talk to him. But nobody else could. Was I losing my mind. He was trying to tell me his e-mail password? I don’t understand. I had to prove to everyone that I could see him and if I got his e-mail password that Azeem was telling me, they would finally believe me. I don’t understand what it all meant. He was so clear to me. Why could they not see?

That is all I remember, so I write these flashes down before they escape my mind, salty tears dripping from my face. Still a small smile, because I saw him, and spoke to him. . .

I miss you bro, I love you.